The Lighter Side of Life

As a veteran motorcycle rider I know the meaning of "road rash" first hand. When I first started riding I took a bad spill and found out how unforgiving the ground is to human skin. So obviously I never think falling off a bike is funny. That is until I saw this video. Whoever put the sound track on this was extremely clever. Since no one got hurt, I would like to present this instructional video on how to square dance with a motorcycle.
(NOTE: If the video fails to play hit your 'Refresh' button and then try playing it again)

There’s been a lot going on in the news lately concerning the phone tapping scandal in London. I was aware of these kinds of shenanigans back in the ‘70’s. Fortunately communication technology was still in its primitive stages back then. Today it’s a whole different ball game. Two year ago I posted this anecdote; I think it’s even more appropriate today. So I hope you enjoy…George Orwell's 1884: Is privacy dead?

OK, anyone who has ever opened a book is familiar with GEORGE ORWELL'S '1984'.
Look...I believe in being secure and the advancements of technology, but come on...

I grew up in the days of Black & White TV. I've learned to adjust to the changing times. I have a computer, cell phone, my Wi-Fi has replaced my High-Fi and so on. Now my problem is that I'm afraid to scratch my ass without it being posted on YouTube.

I figure I'm being captured by surveillance cameras at least 147 times a day. I can always be located by triangulation with my cell phone. My computer has anti-virus, anti-spyware, and is surrounded by anti-personal mines so no one will steal it. My home phone is probably tapped (Look, I've been there) and there's a spy satellite somewhere in outer space watching my every move.

I need a break. For the next hour I'm turning off my cell, unplugging my phone, shutting down my computer and hiding in my closet. I need some alone time.

Former Governor Sarah Palin has recently taken a bus tour to reportedly…raise awareness about American history. This woman has gotten into hot water before by some of her comments but you have to give it to her on this one. While visiting the Old North Church in Boston she came out with a real gem...What happened afterwards was even better.

She was quoted as saying; "He [Paul Revere] who warned the British that they weren't going to be taking away our arms by ah ringing those bells and um making sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that ah we were going to be secure; and we were going to be free."



OK look, I’m not a fan of the woman and to be fair maybe she was having an off day. Now I was taught a somewhat different story in school. And let’s face it who hasn’t heard of that famous poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow; “Paul Revere’s Ride.” [Click..."Paul Revere's' ride"]
So maybe Sarah was taught a different version of history.

I have to be honest, I did get a laugh out of the story, but what I read next really got me going. Apparently Wikipedia, the free on-line encyclopedia that anyone can edit, had to lock the page on Paul Revere. Why???...well it turns out fans of the former governor were trying to rewrite history to match her statement. [Click on the article…CBSnews.com]

HILLIARD, Ohio (AP) — A central Ohio animal shelter with an abundance of chubby cats is having a sale on its fattest felines, hoping a discount entices potential owners to take one home.
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The Capital Area Humane Society says the fat cats are on sale this summer for $15 each or two for $20, instead of the usual $70 adoption price.
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Development manager Mary Hiser says the cats packed on the pounds before arriving at the shelter, and the extra weight can cause them health problems.
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The Columbus Dispatch reports that nine of the shelter's 55 cats are overweight. Volunteers keep them in an area that offers extra room to run and burn off calories.
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The largest cat is a 6-year-old black-and brown shorthair named Zebe, who weighs 23 pounds (10.4 kilograms).
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Information from: The Columbus Dispatch, http://www.dispatch.com

I can’t believe all the hype that was caused by this preacher of doom. I donated blood on Saturday (May 21, 2011) and the technician literally said to me; “This may be the last time you donate.” TV personalities were actually debating it and some people gave up all their worldly belongings. Now there is a claim that the Rapture didn’t happen because all the faithful followers of ‘Harold’ prayed for God to spare us. HELP !!!!
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These Hapless Harry Hooligans should try using a different explanation, like...“We were wrong.” There are 3 words that best describe how insane and gullible this world has become, and they’re not ‘I Love You.’ They are “FUBAR” “SNAFU” and “TARFU” For those of you who are unfamiliar with these acronyms I’ll give you the censored definitions.
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FUBAR = F**ked Up Beyond All Reason/Redemption".
(A milder alternative is "Fouled Up Beyond All Recognition.")
SNAFU = Situation Normal All F**ked Up
TARFU = Things Are Really F**ked Up
I’m sure you can figure out what letters are missing.
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Now I don’t know about you, but I feel that the world itself is a scary place. There are enough things going on to wipe us off the face of the Earth without adding insult to insanity. I don’t think we need to add this extra chaos to the list of absurdities. So I’m going out to have a drink.
I hear everything looks a lot better after you have a little alcohol in you.
By the way if you're going to use my material on a TV show at least give my BLOG a mention.

Well another alleged apocalypse has come and gone, and ‘nothing’ happened. I had my bags packed, bought new underwear, put an auto feeder in my fish aquarium and left 20 bowls of dry food for my cat. I even put my e-mails and phone in the vacation response mode. As a concerned citizen I’m getting tired of being disappointed by these doomsayers.


I believe Harold owes me restitution so I’m thinking of starting a civil law suit against him. Anyone who also feels that they were cheated should contact me at www.end-of-the-world-bull-crap.com. I mean this ‘Judgment Day’ really got out of hand. In Manhattan there were people actually handing out fliers. One person asked me; “Have you found Jesus?” I had to reply; “Why is he lost again?”


Now I have to wait until 2012 for the next supposed Armageddon. All these self proclaimed prophets are saying it’s going to happen on December 21st 2012. That’s 4 days before Christmas. What am I supposed to do then? - Do I buy gifts? - Set up my Christmas tree and decorations? - What about all those office Christmas parties? - Wait till the 22nd to give tips???


There’s a famous painting of the ‘laughing Jesus.’ All I have to say is that he must be doubled over in hysterical laughter after yesterday’s ‘Joke of the day.’ Please understand I was raised Catholic. But I now consider myself more of a spiritual than religious person. I try to follow “The Golden Rule “ principal. I think its working because Karma seems to be pretty content with me. Have a Great Day.

Certain 'Religious groups' are claiming that May 21, 2011 is allegedly going to be "Judgment Day." The irony is that these self proclaimed righteous people are more hypocritical than anyone else. So in my own form of sarcastic, 'Dark Humor' I offer the following video. By the way I'll be busy that day donating blood at a local blood drive. I donate at least 5 times a year because it's the the true gift of life...I try to practice what I preach.
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Now on the off chance that I’m wrong, and heathens like myself are still stuck here, I will be offering pet care and alternate parking services. So, as you sail off into the promise land of blissful joy and peace, you will know that the animals you leave behind will be taken cared of. Of course payment will have to be up front due to obvious reasons. Please contact me ASAP to make these arrangements. In the meantime...Have a nice day ;-)
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P.S. For those of you who will be leaving us today and are curious about Heaven, you may want to read my BLOG..."Heaven-review.com" (Just click on the BLUE link)

Look...I like the rain, it’s good for the crops and those of us who have lawns and vegetable gardens. But come on, enough is enough already. There has been more than enough rain in New York City. In fact a breaded man on a huge boat, with animals paired in twos, floated down my street. I’ve been to Venice and it’s a beautiful city, but I don’t want to raise my house on stilts.
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My basement gets flooded whenever it rains heavily. Now I have an indoor pool whether I want one or not. My cat goes outside with water wings; I had to buy SCUBA gear for my tomato plants so they wouldn’t drown, and the last time I saw my lawn furniture it was floating past my neighbor’s house.
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I have to admit that I’m one of those people who do believe in the theory of Global Climate Change. Now I don’t want to inflict my beliefs on others…but, is it normal to have a gondolier from Venice gliding down the main boulevard singing “Oh solo mia?”

Sleep, that heavenly state of bliss we seek to acquire every night. Without it we couldn't function. Every living creature on this planet needs some form of it. Sometimes it eludes us, other times we deprive ourselves of it, but most of the time we look forward to that escape at the end of the day. At times it's misrepresented, such as; "The Big Sleep", "Sleeping with the fishes" and putting our beloved pets "to sleep." Back in 1961 when transistor radios first made their appearance the song "Sleep" by Little Willie John hit the airways. I recently found it on YouTube. The creator of the video depicted the pleasures of that wonderful state of rest.
I hope you find it as amusing as I did, and may you have pleasant dreams tonight.

With Easter approaching little Johnny made his yearly pilgrimage to church to confess his sins. He entered the confessional, knelt down and blessed himself. Father O’Malley just happened to be doing the reconciliation or penance that day. Johnny went through the usual ritual and admitted that he had taken improper actions with one of the girls at school.
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The good father wasn’t at all surprised and began asking him questions.
“Was it the one they call loose Sally?” Johnny replied; “No father.”
“What about that carefree spirit Angie?” Again the answer was no.
“Don’t tell me it was that she devil Alice”
Johnny insisted that he couldn’t divulge the girl’s name.
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When absolution was finally given Father ‘O’ asked if he felt good about his confession.
Johnny replied; “I sure do father...I now have 3 new prospects.”

I have a tropical fish aquarium which can be very tranquilizing. Today I sat at my desk 'trying' to figure out my income taxes. Since I will find anything to distract me from this arduous task I decided to play with my video camera. Something very unusual happened as I set up the tripod and started recording.
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I never knew fish could do this...(Click the PLAY button)

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are out on the plains and turn in for the evening. After a few hours Tonto suddenly nudges the Lone Ranger until he awakens.
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Tonto says with alarm in his voice;  "Kemo Sabe." ... "Look up!!!...What do you see?"
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The Lone Ranger looks up and says; "I see the nighttime sky."
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Tonto nods and says; "So what does that tell you?"
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The Lone Ranger thinks about it for a moment and then says; "Well, astronomically it tells me there are billions of stars in our galaxy. Astrologically it tells me that Saturn is currently in Leo. Theologically I feel the sky suggests that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Time-wise from the position of the moon I'd say it's about 11:45pm.”
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“Why Tonto? What does the nighttime sky tell you?"
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Tonto replies; "It tells me somebody stole our tent you jackass."

A female patient sat nervously in her dentist’s chair. She was told to open wide and the sound of his drill sent shivers down her spine. Suddenly the dentist felt his testicles in a tight vise like grip. In total astonishment he stopped what he was doing and looked at her. She stared directly into his eyes and said; “We’re not going to hurt each other…are we?”

A long time ago a friend laid these words of wisdom at my feet; "Perfection isn't what it's cracked up to be." It's winter, it's cold and it's dreary. Due to this never ending snow one of my bikes now sits in a newly formed glacier which was once my driveway. Now I know why bears hibernate...Winter Sucks!!!

So unfortunately I'm stuck indoors and I'm playing with my BLOG. - BIG mistake!!! - Ironically I wrote a short story a year ago in February explaining why this isn't a good idea. (You cant fix your blog with white out.) Do I learn from my past mishaps...NO! Add that to the fact that I'm a thick headed Italian and I now lay victim to a new disease called...
(BOCDS) 'Blogger Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Syndrome.'
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The warning signs are;
1 - The need to constantly add postings to your BLOG.
2 - The compulsion desire to correct or update what you just wrote.
3 - An insatiable addiction to have as many 'Followers' as possible.
**(This has a rebound effect since no one is actually following)**
4 - An uncontrollable fixation with changing your template or profile.


The seriousness of this affliction came to light after police would respond to missing persons reports. The lost family member would be found sitting at their computer monitor with a glazed over look in their eyes. As the victim was lead away you could hear a feeble mumbling about making just one more correction. A form of shock treatment has recently been tested where the victim is placed in front of a monitor in a closed room. Then a loud blaring sound is emitted stunning the patient back to reality. It only has a 40% success rate.


At present there is no know cure for this affliction. The AMA has recommended that if you find yourself Blogging for 4 hours or more, immediately seek medical help. However there is a temporary solution that involves an on-line 12 step program. The only problem is that you have to Log-In and this somewhat defeats the whole purpose. Keep tuned to this BLOG for updated information.
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(Disclaimer: No motorcycles were harmed in the making of this BLOG. Models were used.)
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"Laugh and the world laughs with you - cry and they say, Enough already!"

Several of us were at the gym today and the conversation came up that Jack LaLanne had just passed away. We spoke about how he kept himself fit all those years. One man remarked that when Jack was in his 80’s he was interviewed by a reporter.
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Allegedly the interviewer asked him if he was still having sex.
Without missing a beat he told the reporter;  “Yes, I have sex almost everyday.”

Taken back by his quick response she immediately asked him;
“You mean to tell me you have sex almost everyday???”

At which point he replied;
“Yes, I almost had sex on Monday…I almost had sex on Tuesday…I almost had sex on Wednesday…,” and so on.
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So to an inspirational man who we watched on our small Black & White TVs,
back when a microwave was just a small ripple of water at Jones Beach, I say:
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“Rest in Peace, thanks for showing us how far we can push ourselves and that a sense of humor is essential for good health.”

It’s January 2011, the temp is only in the teens but the cold seems to be deeply penetrating my bones. The other day I went outside to refill my bird feeder and ideas froze in my head. Now that’s cold!!! Since the few remaining brain cells I have can’t think of new stories I’m rehashing some of my ‘A’ material.
So here’s…”Jesus, what happened to my iron?” 
If it makes you laugh I have accomplished my goal.
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Alright she’s Catholic, that's no big surprise. She felt a revelation that life is going to be better, that seems to follow the pattern. And, she doesn’t plan to use it anymore…
well, DUH !!!   I mean even I wouldn’t want to be pressing my shirts with the savior’s face. He wouldn't do that if he saw my image on his iron. What's right is right, you have to draw the line somewhere.

Has anyone asked a more prevalent question, “Just how bad a housekeeper is this woman?” I mean I’ve done my share of laundries in my lifetime. Now I’m no rocket scientist, but when I saw a mark on the soleplate of the iron it meant only one thing...'I burnt something.'  In no way did I ever feel that the second coming was at hand,  although there were plenty of white shirts that went on to a better place.

So for all of you who see J.C. in your burnt pancakes, dirty car windows, greasy frying pans and scorched irons…I say, “Thank You.” You have all given me hope for the future, because it just goes to show there are people crazier than me out there.

January is the month with the most, post holiday, winter doldrum, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), BLAHS. We eat more, sleep more and get into a real funk. One of the best ways to fight these mental gremlins is laughter. So I’m re-posting one of my stories that received the most accolades via e-mail. This is based on a true story.
I hope you enjoy…”Heaven Review.com.”

How did we ever get along without the Internet? Today we can pay bills, upload family movies, book vacations, and so much more. An interesting conversation came up a few weeks ago while waiting in a doctor's office. One of his assistants said; "I wonder what Heaven is like? Since no one is returning from the dead it's impossible to know."

Naturally, since I have a warped sense of humor, I said; "Wouldn't it be nice if there was a site called Heaven-Review.com where you could post your after life experience." When you think about it there are travel logs for everything these days. People rate hotels and vacation spots, so why not a place to express your opinion of the afterlife.
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Maybe it could go something like this:
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"Well I must say that I'm pleasantly surprised. The only problem was that Saint Peter took a long time checking everyone's eternal passport. You would be surprised at how many uninvited guests try to sneak in."
Bob from Seattle, Wash.
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"I was very impressed with the Pearly Gates. I think Tiffany helped in the design. It took a while locating lost relatives since their computers were down the day I arrived. We did finally meet up and everyone was glad to see me. Although they were surprised that I had died."
Carol from Sydney, Australia.
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"I really like the place, it's better than I imagined. My wife and I are staying at Plato's Retreat (No connection to the one in NYC during the 70's) My only complaint is that there are too many theme parks. Old timers claim it has gotten worse since Disney arrived. It seems commercialism is everywhere these days."
Nicholas and Anastasia from Athens, Greece.
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Who knows, anything could be possible in the future. (Smile, you only live once)

 A therapist gathered a group of married adults at the local school auditorium.
Once everyone was seated he proceeded with his survey.
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"I'd like to thank all of you for coming and I hope you'll all be very honest. I'm taking a census on how often married couples have sex." He started out by asking some basic questions.
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"How many of you have sexual relations several times a week? OK, how many have it once a week? How many have it once a month?" And so went the general inquiry.
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Finally he came to the last question and apologized for having to ask something that sounded so stupid. "How many of you have sex once a year?"
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All the way in the back of the room a man was feverishly waving his hands. The therapist thanked him but had to ask;
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"Sir, I appreciate your candor, but why are you so excited?"
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The man replied..."Tonight's the night!!!"        (Happy 1/11/11)

• Disturbed You,
• Troubled You,
• Pestered You,
• Irritated You,
• Bugged You,
• Or just got on your Nerves!!

Manhattan has often been referred to as the city of controlled chaos. Christmas time only exemplifies that definition. If you’re afraid of crowds, loud noise and an assault on the senses then this isn’t the place for you. On the other hand if you can put up with the pandemonium to experience an incredibly festive mood, then this should be on your list of things to do before you die.  I shot this video to give you a 'small' glimpse of what it's like.
Have a "Merry Christmas" and a "Happy and Healthy New Year."

I have been at wits end this Christmas season trying to find that perfect gift for the person who has everything. It got so bad this year that I was sleepless for several nights wondering what to get Aunt Selma and Cousin Luigi. Well thank goodness for late night infomercials. Just as I was on the verge of falling off into slumber land this blaring commercial jolted me up and out of my chair. The following video from YouTube explains why my prayers have been answered.
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October 31st is infamous for its unique holiday, Halloween. This day of mischief started out small but has grown into a monumental celebration. As a child of the 50’s and 60’s I was able to enjoy it in its infancy. The costumes were unimpressive to say the least but the idea of knocking on a stranger’s door and receiving treats was so enticing.

When my kids were young I carried on that tradition and vicariously relived my youth. Now they’re grown but I still have that “Halloween spirit” deep inside. I try my best to keep it alive by decoration my front lawn with a creative and somewhat ghoulish display. This year many commented that it looked like I put a lot of effort into my work.

That being said I still couldn’t stay home while only minutes away was the biggest Halloween party in the country. I’m talking about the NYC Village Halloween parade. My girlfriend and I made it there, and once again it didn’t disappoint. It’s the only place where ‘anyone’ is allowed to march. Considering that close to a million people attend it’s amazing how few hostile encounters occur.

The best way to describe it would be, “controlled chaos.” It’s a sensory overload event that everyone should experience at least once in their lives. It has been called, “one of the 100 things to do before you die" and one of the top events of the year. It was after midnight when I finally got home. I was totally exhausted but had the undeniable feeling that once again the kid inside was resurrected.
It was a 'GOOD' feeling.

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Murphy’s law is alive and well. The month of October has been hectic, but hey who doesn’t have stress in their lives? Now I’m a firm believer of Karma, both good and bad. So naturally I try to lead a good life. That doesn’t mean I’m flawless, but I have to ask: “What the hell did I do wrong?” I mean, I don’t push little old ladies down stairs and I don’t kick cute puppies, so why has 'Joe Btfsplk' been following me these last few weeks?

To prove my point the other night I needed to relieve some stress so I decided to take a bike ride. It was a beautiful, comfortable, fall evening with clear skies. “Big Red” and I headed out for a local spin. As I sat at a traffic light before a long open strip of road I could feel that healthy flow of adrenaline waiting to be released. The light turns green and I punch her into 1st gear, then second and then third. It felt like my steel steed had afterburners.
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Now here’s where ‘Joe’ decided to hop on the back. A funny bang came from the transmission area and instead of going faster my ride was now slowing down. I thought maybe downshifting would help, but then realized I had no clutch. Here’s where experience kicked in and I was able to come to a rolling stop along the side of the road.
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This would have been a scenic spot for lovers, but not for a mechanical breakdown. Thank God for cell phones or I really would have been up shits creek. After numerous calls I was able to find a towing company who would come to my rescue. As Big Red and I were hoisted onto a flatbed truck I had to ask; “Why me?”

1 - ?
2 - ??
3 - ???
4 - ????
5 - ?????
6 - ??????
7 - ???????
etc...by the way, I also stated that it's "National Sarcasm Month"
Bet you were wondering where I was going with this, hmmmm?

How to prepare a cat for dinner
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1-Take one deranged man who owns a car
2-Take one 4 year old cat that is "mean"
3-Generiously coat the cat with olive oil
4-Season to taste with crushed red peppers and chili peppers
5-Put cat in cage and place in trunk of car
6-Drive around while your dinner marinates
7-Make sure you don’t get pulled over by a traffic cop
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I am an animal lover and my pets have always enjoyed the good life. I’ve seen harsh and cruel treatment of our furry friends throughout my life. I'm a strong advocate of animal rights, but this made even me laugh...and it has a happy ending.(15 second commercial before video)
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This posting is dedicated to someone who never thought that dreams can come true.

Sometimes life has a funny way of doing a 180 degree turn. Some of us are born with a certain self confidence and they think they’ll always have the world by the horns. If they’re humble and can appreciate this blessing maybe they’ll be able to carry that torch throughout their lives. Unfortunately the majority of the time that cockiness diminishes as they get older and time takes it's toll.

On the other hand there are those who are labeled meek at an early age. Most of the time they believe the stigma that’s placed upon them. It can be hard, and sometimes impossible, to crawl out from under the shell of insecurity. The lucky ones who do make it realize the old saying; “You're never too old to start over” has a certain amount of validity.

So here’s to you…”Dr Love”

Recently a retiree meeting was held for those of us who were no longer on the job. At this get together there was a guest speaker who was talking about long term care and beneficiary responsibilities. I was sitting next to an old buddy who was hired about the same time I was. After listening to this depressing lecture I couldn’t help but turn to my friend and say; “Do you remember when we first started and all we talked about was getting laid? Now it seems that our main concern is how we’re going to be laid-out.”

What do you get when you put an Italian, a shovel and several square feet of top soil together? … No I’m not talking about a burial plot for a mob hit, I mean a tomato garden. Yes I’m a biker. Yes I love riding down the road catching bugs in my teeth, but I also happen to be an amateur horticulturist. And what do Italians grow best…tomatoes, what else. I mean even the original version of “The Godfather” had the back yard garden scene.
A summertime pleasures is picking one of these succulent home grown delights, then thinly slicing them, marinating them in olive oil, vinegar, garlic, fresh basil and a hint of oregano. Finally a sprinkle of freshly grated mozzarella and the masterpiece is complete. When all of these ingredients combine it’s an orgy of sensations for both the nose and palate. Food should not be treated as just a means of sustenance; it should also be a tantalizing delight.
It amazes me how a seed smaller than the head of a pin can grow several feet tall and produce this luscious fruit. You heard me, fruit. A tomato is not a vegetable contrary to popular belief. So the next time you see one of those scary, intimidating, motorcyclist passing you on the highway, just remember he may also be a gourmet chef.
Strange world, isn’t it?